Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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