meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
