Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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