I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
