I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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