i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize