I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
