She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
