I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
