ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think people are normalizing furries
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
