I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
And then he peed in my hair
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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