I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
