We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
