I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Terrible idea I love it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
