Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
