just survived the first fart of the relationship.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
