Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made out with another girl for some wings
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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