you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
