I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
