I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
