I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
