just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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