He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Randomize
