My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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