why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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