she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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