Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
