woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
