I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
