wanna go halves on a baby?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
