2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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