Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
