1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
