Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
