i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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