come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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