He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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