i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
