Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
