please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
