Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
