defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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