I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
