Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
