you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
