I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
