I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
