Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
