and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
