Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
