I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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