Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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