i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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