Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
