I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
