he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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