he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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