What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
